Things You Should Not Say To A Preggo....

In the grand scheme of life in the fattest society in the world, it is not a good idea to ask a woman if she is pregnant unless you witness her water break. Now, I admit that I was no delicate orchid prior to this pregnancy. Quite the opposite, really. But it is fairly obvious to most normal people that I am pregnant, not just tubby.

A woman asked me tonight, "When is your baby due?" I replied, "October 7." Her eyes widened, her jaw hit the floor and she said, "Twins, right?" Ummmm.....no. Not even close. I explained that there is only one baby in there, to which she replied, "Well, I think they are wrong." Really? Thank you, Dr. Loudmouth. I am sure that 9 ultrasounds were wrong....

Then she asked, "Have all of your other babies been huge? This one is!" Really? Huge? He weighs about 2 pounds, Damn heifer! I need to have a GI tube installed so I can start feeding him Slim Fast. I'm down 12 pounds and am simply all belly. Isn't is my body's job to look like that right now?

She's not the only one who asks dumb questions or says dumb things. Pregnant women encounter them all day long. One of my favorites...."Does Brodie want a brother or a sister?" WHAT?! He's two. His outer limits are all about Elmo, Cheez-Its and drool. He has no clue what is going on. He does not know the difference between boys and girls at all. How many 2 year olds really do? It's not like we have Sex Ed classes here.

I am sure I am not the only one who gets this: "Are you going to have an epidural?" What the hell do they care? Do they ask men, "Have you felt your testicles for lumps this month?" Honestly, why do people really care about epidurals?

When I tell people I am a scheduled c-section, many ask why. What does it matter? Are you doing the surgery? I swear I want to say, "Well, the sex that led to this conception was REALLY kinky, and we are having a c-section in hopes of retrieving the garage door opener."

"You ARE going to breastfeed, right?"....always accompanied by a self-righteous, holier-than-thou, crinkled-nose expression. In my case, yes. I will nurse, pump, supplement....whatever. Whatever it takes to be sure Taran gets the nutrients he needs to thrive. If he's not a good sleeper, perhaps I'll throw some Glenlivet into the mix.

I really don't know why strangers ask the things they do. They seem to feel the need to make conversation about the miracle that is occurring in my body. I am fine with that....God has blessed us once again, and for that, we are eternally thankful. I am happy to answer polite questions, let sane people touch my belly and share the joys of this whole experience with them. Now, if God could bless me with fewer weirdos who want to know about conception, dilation, effacement and other intimate details, I'd be REALLY happy.