Things You Should Not Say To A Preggo....

In the grand scheme of life in the fattest society in the world, it is not a good idea to ask a woman if she is pregnant unless you witness her water break. Now, I admit that I was no delicate orchid prior to this pregnancy. Quite the opposite, really. But it is fairly obvious to most normal people that I am pregnant, not just tubby.

A woman asked me tonight, "When is your baby due?" I replied, "October 7." Her eyes widened, her jaw hit the floor and she said, "Twins, right?" Ummmm.....no. Not even close. I explained that there is only one baby in there, to which she replied, "Well, I think they are wrong." Really? Thank you, Dr. Loudmouth. I am sure that 9 ultrasounds were wrong....

Then she asked, "Have all of your other babies been huge? This one is!" Really? Huge? He weighs about 2 pounds, Damn heifer! I need to have a GI tube installed so I can start feeding him Slim Fast. I'm down 12 pounds and am simply all belly. Isn't is my body's job to look like that right now?

She's not the only one who asks dumb questions or says dumb things. Pregnant women encounter them all day long. One of my favorites...."Does Brodie want a brother or a sister?" WHAT?! He's two. His outer limits are all about Elmo, Cheez-Its and drool. He has no clue what is going on. He does not know the difference between boys and girls at all. How many 2 year olds really do? It's not like we have Sex Ed classes here.

I am sure I am not the only one who gets this: "Are you going to have an epidural?" What the hell do they care? Do they ask men, "Have you felt your testicles for lumps this month?" Honestly, why do people really care about epidurals?

When I tell people I am a scheduled c-section, many ask why. What does it matter? Are you doing the surgery? I swear I want to say, "Well, the sex that led to this conception was REALLY kinky, and we are having a c-section in hopes of retrieving the garage door opener."

"You ARE going to breastfeed, right?"....always accompanied by a self-righteous, holier-than-thou, crinkled-nose expression. In my case, yes. I will nurse, pump, supplement....whatever. Whatever it takes to be sure Taran gets the nutrients he needs to thrive. If he's not a good sleeper, perhaps I'll throw some Glenlivet into the mix.

I really don't know why strangers ask the things they do. They seem to feel the need to make conversation about the miracle that is occurring in my body. I am fine with that....God has blessed us once again, and for that, we are eternally thankful. I am happy to answer polite questions, let sane people touch my belly and share the joys of this whole experience with them. Now, if God could bless me with fewer weirdos who want to know about conception, dilation, effacement and other intimate details, I'd be REALLY happy.

Idle Minds think Bloggable Thoughts

I admit that I am not entirely sure that, "bloggable" is an actual word, but in a day and age when someone can, "Tweet" your, "Twitter" and not be bashful about it, I guess almost anything goes. I originally had a blog devoted entirely to our pregnancy with Brodie and his early life, but stopped updating it when he was about 6 months old. I began this blog the week we discovered we have again been blessed, but never did anything with it. I spend a ridiculous amount of time awake when normal people are sleeping and I get extremely bored. (I say that as if I know any normal people!) My friend Rose reminded me that blogging is fun, and, as a terrific blogger herself, she would know. That having been said, here goes a whole lotta nothin' in a whole lotta words!

Now that Brodie is two, each day his desire for more independence grows. Likewise, his abilities are blossoming. Sadly, I am one of those preoccupied Moms on whom the subtleties of his growth are often lost. Though I am sure that he has reached for the railing before when we are climbing the stairs, last night, he just let go of my hand, declared, "I do it, Momma!" and climbed the steep stairs unassisted. Sad, yet liberating. As I walked right behind him, listening to him count, "1,2,5,3,9,B,2,up,D", I asked myself, "Who are you, and how did you get so grown up?" Oddly, i took solace in the three-foot-long string of drool that nearly tripped him and said aloud, "Nope! You're still my little baby!"

We are now 25 weeks, 3 days pregnant. In a way, I wish I was scared, anxious and nervous about having another baby, another c-section, another mouth to feed, another person to always put before myself. If I had any of those fears or anxieties, time would be flying. It sure as heck isn't! We had a distinct advantage with Brodie in that his bedroom was already a baby boy bedroom when we moved in. Scott set up the crib four months before he was born and we were ready to go. I haven't done a single thing to get ready for baby Taran to arrive. The bedroom that will be his is still a storage/catch-all room. I haven't even chosen paint colors, though Scott chose an adorable monkey theme for the nursery. I'm much mellower this time around. I assume that by the time women have their 5th child, they just give the kid $20 for their 5th birthday and let them go buy their own damn paint and a roller.

The dogs continue to keep us occupied and laughing. And yelling. Oh, yeah, there's yelling. Macey Jayne is perfect. There really is no other way to describe her. Even people who don't like dogs at all like her. Reilly is certifiable, sweet and adorable in a so-ugly-she's-cute sort of way. Reagan? Well, Reagan is one of the most handsome dogs I have ever seen. He is brilliant, handsome, loving and incontinent. Yup, this boy goes outside, pees 6 times and comes in, looks at the water bowl and pees. Don't even ask how many times per day we mop!

Taran is tugging on the umbilical cord now, begging for food. Time for a snack and another bottle of water. IHOP is open....and I might just go to breakfast, go grocery shopping and be back with many hours to spare before Scott and Brodie....the world's only hibernating humans...awaken for the day and wonder what I am going to feed them today. Pssst.....boys....the kitchen is down the hall.....God gave you thumbs for a reason.